Firsts

Recently glimpses and tastes of heavy emotion have sprinkled into my mundane ordinary.  And these punches hitting hard and balling up deep in my gut surface at the strangest moments.  Big change is on our horizon, in only a few days we will be dropping off our firstborn to live hours by highway away instead of safe and sound a few steps down the wooden hall.  I went to see the new Toy Story a couple of weeks ago and the plot wasn't what brought swelling tears trickling hot down my cheeks but rather visions of my little blue-eyed boy dressed up like Buzz Lightyear marching in his kindergarten parade shouting "To Infinity and Beyond!".  I haven't been a mess. I actually was beaming at commencements because he was smiling ear to ear, that sweet curled up grin he's worn a million times across his face.  Looking at him just made me smile, I was so happy for him.  But these random pricks nicking this mama's heart are starting to feel like more of a deep jab edged in and reminding me that this is the end of an era.  This feeling hit hard at the pediatrician's office a couple of weeks ago.  There I was in the well waiting room not feeling well at all glancing next to me at the curly blonde hair growing all over his legs and trying to hold it in and think of a primary care physician to make an appointment at for next time because well all of a sudden he's sitting there a full grown 18 year old man.  We went into the exam room and lo and behold there was Buzz plastered on the wall and floods pooling up in my eyes and my heart shredding all at the same time.   I was wishing I could turn back the clock and re-do so much with him, go right back there to when he was 5 and dress up like Jesse and be silly and play more and worry less.

Today we went shopping for his dorm room and I almost lost it a few times.  Especially when he pointed out the trading card aisle at Target letting me know that was his favorite one when he was little.  Where did all of those precious Pokemon cards disappear to anyway and why isn't he 10 again?It's all too much to take while pushing my cart filled with bath towels and good Lord I hope he hangs  them up to dry before he launders them at school. I push thoughts of black mold growing and contaminating his and his roomates' lungs.  And while we're on the subject of lung health I make a mental note to send him the latest article about vaping causing seizures. I throw some detergent in the cart and we check out a couple hundred dollars poorer and my mind wrapped up in worry.  How will he manage? Will he continue to be our responsible, respectable, kind, humble boy?  This being a mom business is no joke.  I recall many different mamas telling me their stories through tears of sending theirs off when I was raising toddlers and elbow deep in diaper duty.  I have to admit, my empathy was lacking, I was counting down the hours to bedtime and a quiet house and did not feel too sorry for their soon to be beautifully decorated, calm, empty nests with my own chaotic, toy-filled, child-proof, home at the time.  Looking back, wishing I would listen to their prophetic words to cherish, embrace, enjoy these hard yet fleeting moments because all too soon they will be shopping with you for mini-fridges and first aid kits.  And I really wish someone would've warned me to stock up my fridge with his favorite drinks and journal about those tween years when he still needed me to pour peroxide on his cuts and bandage them up because all too soon it will be my last.

But regret will not win and I will get through this first just like I have lived so many other firsts with this eldest of my three.  We watched his first steps at a young nine months old on our Oriental rug in our first little yellow house we called home.  Next week we will watch him take his first steps of independence into his dormitory, North Hall.  I blinked and he grew up and the punch has hit hard as he takes this next stride toward adulthood but deep down overriding the harsh sting is a true reality that this man child of mine is loved so much more than I could even fathom.  His steps are ordained, every single first by a heavenly Father who holds him in the palm of His hand.  My prayers will be my peace but I will be leaving a part of my heart up in Big Rapids next Thursday, along with some soft Star Wars sheets and a little part of our life-savings.